Confession: I have been orchestrating a worldwide pandemic during my commutes to work.
Oh, don’t look surprised. You had to be expecting this.
If you would like to taste the sweet, sweet flavor of genocide for yourself, feel free to check it out here. Available on iOS and Steam for Mac and PC. To be thorough, I have it installed on my iPhone, iPad and laptop. You never know when you’ll be compelled to infect millions with a delirious fever and projectile vomiting at a moment’s notice.
My first attempt involved a concrete, intellectual strategy and was approached in all seriousness. Think “The Hot Zone” or “Outbreak”. After a few failed attempts (Greenland and Canada, looking at you) I decided to have some fun with it. Because liquefying internal organs is, after all, hilarious.
Campaign 1: “Douchebaggery”.
As I live in Seattle, I felt this was seemingly appropriate.
Douchebaggery, though successful in its ability to spread easily from one person to the next, ultimately proved to be non-lethal and the Canadians developed a cure.
Hipsters everywhere exhaled a sigh of relief.
Campaign 2: “Stupidity”.
Stupidity seemed to have greater success. Stupidity evolved much more quickly than Douchebaggery, had a much quicker transmission rate, becoming airborne and able to withstand extreme temperatures.
Unfortunatey, I was again faced with disappointment as the Germans developed a cure in 1,654 days.
I suspect subterfuge.
Campaign 3: “Your Mom”.
Oh, Yes. Yes I did.
Somehow Your Mom managed to circumvent the failures of my previous two campaigns. Your Mom spread quickly, evolved slowly, and after two years began to kill at an accelerating rate.
Your Mom was a diabolical force of nature and due to the symptomatic evolution of the disease managed to cause insanity, delirium, and ultimately, complete mental and physical collapse.
Eventually it because clear that there was simply no way to stop Your Mom.
Lessons learned: Your Mom is far more deadly and ubiquitous than either Douchebaggery or Stupidity.
Postscript: Thanks to the current Ebola outbreak in Sierra Leone, I find myself taking in news articles on containment measures being utilized by local governments and thinking to myself, “huh…so that’s why I failed to infect Greenland…”